Next week is a mini vacation, from Tuesday night to Sunday. To say I am desperate for this right now is an understatement. I had a minor rant at work yesterday, and I have been very snarky (with the right people). This is not my normal mode of operation, and it is a sure sign that I am getting flaky as fuck.
Week two of "back to the gym" is going well, though I am still operating at about 60% of pre-disaster levels. While there this guy Duncan came up to chat. I hadn't seen him since August. Duncan is 54, pumped and ripped, and just fantastically fit. During the conversation his eyes wandered over my body the entire time, and it wasn't because he was finding me hot. It was because I think he was honestly shocked by my condition compared to where I was in May. It was without a doubt utterly humiliating. But, I'm still going, still working, and will continue to do so. In the end this is for me, despite what others may perceive. But damn, it still hurt a bit.
I am down 9 pounds now. That is something.
Only 10 more to go!
Other than that, life continues to be a combo of work, work, eat, sleep, gym, etc. For a variety of reasons my normal partners in crime for after work socialization are unavailable, for a while now (curses on guys in new relationships who cancel plans with you as soon as a boyfriend bootycall comes down). But another recreational activity has died a COMPLETE death right now. I don't have even a faint whiff of a libido, and this has been going on for a while now. It's to the point where I have consulted my two doctors about it, but no one seems to feel this is a problem in need of addressing. So for now, men are a total non-distraction.
And I don't miss it. And that's kinda sad.
But, it'll come back at some point. I'll probably be the randiest old bastard at the old age home!
I am, quite seriously, counting the hours for the next eight days until I get to have my "5 Day Weekend" next week. I haven't had time off since New Year's, and while that isn't all THAT long, it feels like easily 5,000 years considering all that has gone on. I'm a tired pup. I will be at the house in the country, doing nothing beyond reading, going to the gym, and exhausting Netflix. A friend and his BF are going to come for a couple of those days, but they have some side trips planned so on average I will be on my own. Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster for that. I have a high level of "life burnout" and want to get away. I'm even leaving the cats in the city, as dealing with transporting them is more than I want to do. The hubby will be off in England at that time, so the cats get a staycation all their own. They will probably destroy the apartment, but I really don't care.
I might not wear pants for days.
So, I'm six pounds down. A small number, but since my weight loss goal is only 20 lbs it is a pretty good start. Now, if I can do it by end of April that would be heavenly. We are set to go on vacation in California then. Napa, Yosemite, Sequoia and SF all figure in that trip. Not that any of that will have beach weather, but there is a slight chance I might want to wear a shirt that is not made by Abdul the Tentmaker, so I have set that time as my arbitrary goal date. For once, I would love to have some vacation pictures in which I don't look like I swallowed a small child. My career as an underwear model needs to take off at some time.
The husband is making heavy noises about relocating to California. The only thing that I think is keeping him from doing so at once is that his job is going very well at the moment here in the city. But he is very ready to go, and is getting to be a bit hard to handle on this. He is more marketable than I am job wise, so for me it would involve giving up my job, my friends, and my home(s). My parents are both gone now, so I don't have that as an anchor keeping me here anymore. But the idea of re-creating a life from scratch isn't highly appealing. Still, he watches TV programs showing amazing houses where he could have the garden he has always wanted. And gets ideas.
Eventually, he will cut his ties and want to go. I think I will have little choice but to follow.
But that is for the future. For now, I'm just happy to have some stability. Let what comes come.
Now I need to curl up and digest my dinner, which was larger than anything I have eaten in a long time.
Well, that is an exaggeration, actually. But still.
I am now on Day 9 of the controlled eating thing. This is coupled with me going to the gym four times this week, from zero for the prior four months. I haven't done a weigh-in, so I have no idea if it is working. But, I am enjoying the "being disciplined" bit. I am using a great app called Lose It! to keep track of what I am eating. Since I am eating the same things over and over for breakfast and lunch, it is actually simple to use most of the time. I have my calorie budget for the day, I get extra calories depending on the level of exercise for the day, and I feel a bit more in control.
So has it made a huge difference yet? No. It's only Day 9. But it's a start.
The downside is that when I am delayed in one of my meals/snacks (like now due to a napping husband), I start to get mentally wobbly. However, I've been pretty wobbly in general lately, so this isn't too shocking.
Though my gym exertions are only about 60% of pre-disaster levels, I do seem to be getting back into the swing of things. Some of the old gym critters have been approaching me and asking me where I have been. Well, nice to be noticed, but I am going to the gym with my eyes plastered to the floor. I don't want interaction, and I don't want to see all the stunning guys who run about that place. Flabby boy wants to pretend he is there alone.
Anyway, so the project continues, and I haven't weakened yet. Short term goal - weight loss goal by April 20 when we go on vacation. Nothing radical, just a set relatively small number. Let's do this.
And husband, please wake up so I can eat dinner? The cats are starting to look TASTY!
"We all know you can speak, read and write in Welsh. What other languages do you know and .. during times of stress, do you just respond in Welsh or in English.'
I know fragments of German and Spanish (having studied them), and a few bits of Italian, but nothing else to fluency. Even my Welsh has atrophied due to lack of use since my friends left NYC. I did a BBC Program in Welsh a year ago and I was frankly awful.
That said, it does come to my lips sometimes, but strangely often in connection with the cats. I also use Welsh a lot at work, when I want to put things in my calendar (which can be seen by others) that I don't want others to know, or when I leave myself big notes on my noteboard (for the same reason). My ex had some knowledge of Welsh by contact (he spoke Spanish and Italian, and we often spoke in a Spanish/Welsh/Italian/English hybrid around the house), but my husband is decidedly unilingual.
Well, that's a tough one. There's a lot I don't want to discuss. But I am afraid to say I have very little positive to talk about that has occurred since May of 2012 - it has been a marathon of illness and family complications and death to be honest. However, events of the last week have given me some courage and I am starting to try and move beyond all that. It's just going to be a slow process.
I'm sitting here suffering through the Golden Globes, which the husband is watching. To me, this sort of program is pure torture, but he enjoys it so I am enduring. It is also giving me a moment to focus and write something here.
The last six months have been a challenging period in my life. Starting with my illness and hospitalization in June, I have been saddled with a lot of family issues culminating in my mother's death at the end of November, and the funeral and estate matters, and so forth. Getting rather run down by it all, I managed to catch something just before Christmas and have been enjoying a rousing case of bronchitis from then to now. I had planned on charging out the gate of 2013 boldly, but instead I am sort of crawling along into the new year. Well, plans shift as they must and you do what you can. As they say, things could always be worse.
At the moment life is mostly composed of lurching into work in the morning, enduring the day, and coming home at night to crash. Socialization? Not happening. Gym? Not happening. Even my eating is off - for whatever reason, I am not enjoying eating and perhaps that is why I have lost a great deal of weight - unintentionally. Ladies and gents, the secret to weight loss appears to be a lack of interest in food! However, it is a bit irritating having people comment on how thin I look, when this isn't a desired state to be in.
I wonder if it is a function of the age the people I know have reached, but it seems like most of those close to me have had a rough time of things lately, between jobs and health and family issues. Or is this just a side effect of some warp in the space time continuum? I don't know. But it has not been easy watching what has gone on in the lives of the people I care about, and feeling like I have so little to offer myself at this time.
Nevertheless, despite a rather grim stretch recently, I am OPTIMISTIC about 2013. I can't say why - I just feel like things have reached a point where the upturn has to be upon us. So, let me know the good things that are going on for you all - I want statistical proof that my suspicions are correct! I am here reading all the time even when not writing. I still find this place to be an important part of my mental life, and I like keeping up with you all. I will try and do my part to reinvigorate this page myself.
Well, hello LiveJournal, I am doing a post. I realize I haven’t posted since June, and had been scattershot prior to that. Honestly, I will try and mend my ways, as I do miss the opportunity to (hopefully) write coherently and contribute something of small value to the universe. We’ll see what that produces.
You see, the fact is I have been struggling with what to write about. Years ago I used to open my mind onto these pages and frankly discuss the challenges of mental illness, but I am no longer comfortable doing so and frankly have been stable a number of years now. I also used to post a lot about funny or joyful things, to balance out the darkness I put to this screen. But in all honesty I am struggling to come up with something to write about. Events happen, people come and go, but in the last year a lot of the joy and energy have gone out of my life. That doesn’t mean I am actively unhappy – I am not. But nothing is really hitting the highs or the lows, and I am unmotivated to chronicle such a tedious state of affairs.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I have nothing to celebrate, and no one to celebrate with.
If you spoke to me in April, I was doing well. The job was going great, I was hitting the gym HARD and was really starting to look good, and I had resolved so many of the issues regarding my mother’s long term care. I was attracting the attention of various attractive men to fluff my ego and self image a bit. Sure, I could have used more mental stimulation, but I felt strong and on track.
Then I got sick.
Since then, I have struggled badly. My health has only slowly crept back towards normal. I lost my ferocious drive at the gym, and am now ashamed when I go. I have been fighting anxiety and depression. The situation with my mother has gone in the toilet and my sister quit, leaving me to clean it up and I have discovered all sorts of weird improprieties. I am having trouble with my boss.
I just had a lovely weekend visiting with friends, and it is like nothing ever happened. So, I am failing to find anything to celebrate this year on my birthday. Perhaps the fact that I still draw air is enough. That is of course something. And my health isn’t any worse than it was a month ago.
But man, I am struggling to come up with anything positive. And this is why I haven’t been posting, dear friends. And why I’m not sure when I will again.
I got sprung from the hospital on Monday, and my friend who had the misfortune to have been visiting me upstate drove me back to the city. For this I feel wretched, as poor Bill got put through the ringer. But he got me home, and that was much appreciated.
I have barely left the house all week, and each time I do it is pretty challenging. The up side is that I have been feeling a lot better as long as I don't exert myself. The downside is that when I exert myself I feel like crap.
Tests are set up, and hopefully something will identify what is wrong. The thing is - nothing indicates that I had a heart attack, which is great, but we still don't know what is wrong. I'd be willing to believe I was having some insane psychosomatic hypochondriacal episode, but this would be the first one of my life and there is also that little matter of the 30 lb weight on my chest.
Hey, proof I'm not insane? I can't go to the gym and I am losing muscle mass. This traumatizes me. My shallowness would prevent me from letting this happen if I had a choice.
Doctor suspects that there is a Lyme connection somewhere. We'll see.
So, kind of a dreary update, but I thought I'd put it out there.
I'm spending a few quiet days in the hospital (just got off the critical care floor). I collapsed with huge chest pain and breathing issues, and here I came. Tons of tests, no results yet, but likelihood is (roughly put) a Lyme Disease related cardiac incident. The only question is how much damage.
I feel like hell. And my hospital roomie is icky. And my husband is in Asia.
So, I am having either a relapse of Lyme Disease or something new and horrible. For the last week I've been on an accelerating ride into joint and muscle pain infiltrating my whole body, plus weakness and headache. Much like last time. Went to doctor yesterday, got the right antibiotics, did massive amounts of blood work and will get results later this week. I hope it is Lyme, as that is fairly quickly treatable. If it isn't, this is something new and probably awful.
I barely remember what it is like to go to the gym.
That makes me feel VERY bad about myself.
So, despite my inability to sit on a hard surface without coming close to breaking into tears, I went and got a pretty haircut so I wouldn't feel so ugly. If you can't feel good, look good, or so they say.
I'll post again when I have something positive to say. In the meantime ... ouch!