So the drama is over. The final three (!) interviews were all scheduled for one day next week. I came home and told the husband that. He didn't react well.

I was already on the fence about it, but wanted to find out what they would offer. He however told me point blank that he would not let me take the job. He was quite clear that he considered it outside the range of what I would be able to handle in terms of stress, and what that would do to me and to our household.

This angered me, yes - but it left me with no choice and so the next morning I contacted the recruiter and told her that I was backing out. Her response was "Wow," and that she was surprised as I was the top candidate.

So it's done. Now I have to figure out what to do with my current job, and how I can make something of it for the time being. A lot is coming up there too, but I guess for now it is what it is. But I am left feeling fairly flattened by all this. First world problems, I guess.

I think this calls for a furry, muscled, short guy with no morals whatsoever and a blatant desire to do what daddy says.

In other news, I've made a friend. With a neighbor's cat up here in the country. When he sees that we are here he runs over to our house and comes on the porch. He then gets up on a chair and starts banging on the screen and meowing until I come out and pet him. This causes explosions of fury such as you can't imagine from our furry crew, but I like my new buddy. It's nice to feel wanted!

At least summer is here. Now to get fully back on the gym horse (the last month hasn't been good, though this last week I got about 90% there). Start running again. Clean up my diet. Focus on other things. Find those things in life that make it worthwhile and hold onto them.

And accept applications from furry young morals-lacking muscleboys. Line forms at the door.

OK, so here's the dilemma:

As I mentioned before, I am being headhunted. After no action for several years, over the last six months I have been hit again and again by headhunters. I have not been searching for work, but they have been finding me on LinkedIn.

The problem is that I love my current employer. For a law firm they are shocking. They treat their employees with an amazing amount of respect (as long as you are not an idiot, and even some of them do very well). For six years I have had remarkably regular hours (another shocker for law), no weekend work, and the ability to schedule my vacation time as I choose. My stress level is usually fairly low, other than certain spike seasons.

Their flaw? The pay. I haven't had a raise above 3% in four years, which means that my pay has not kept up with inflation very well. My bonuses are rather pathetic. But I have been able to enjoy a pretty good lifestyle at this firm.

I went on two interviews at a new firm last week, and today I got called in for two more next week. I know the firm (having had them as a client in the past), I know the woman I would be working for. I know the environment. And I know that it won't even resemble what I enjoy now. The hours will be longer, stress much higher, work demands crazier. I will go from one assistant to managing a direct staff of 13, with another 12 assigned to me based on projects. In other words, this is going to be life changing (should they make and I accept an offer).

Why would I do this then? Two things: Money, and Growth. The money is potentially very lucrative. Also, can I really see myself sitting at the desk I operate now in 10 years? It's a bit of a dead end. Is this all I can do? So I face a potential conundrum should I get an offer.

I am deeply torn and stressing over this.

The hubby is opposed to me taking this job due to my mental health issues. He will only allow me to take it if the post-tax-withholding take-home cash is a very significant increase over what I make now, and even then he is unhappy with the idea.

Ambivalence, table of one!

Following in the steps of abstrusedude, I am copying his "20 Things" idea to get me posting again. So, here we are, a list of "20 Things About Me You May Not Know".

1) I come from a very large Italian family on my mother's side. As a child all holidays were spent at my Grandmother's house, with everyone up to second cousins there. It was very close. As an adult, however, I rarely even see my siblings. Everyone is scattered around the country.

2) I'm a good cook; but I have to use a recipe. My improvisational skills are lacking.

3) I have a short temper.

4) I don't deal well with frustration.

5) I have been known to use sex for validation.

6) This is because I have a relentlessly poor self image, based on an immense amount of negative feedback as a child. This is ridiculous of me.

7) I would happily live on good bread and good cheese alone.

8) My ex's all hate me. Interestingly, they have all dumped me. Then wanted me back. It's when I said no that they decided to hate me. I think this reveals a basic flaw about myself - either in my choice of men or something I haven't put my finger on yet.

9) Working out keeps me sane. The last three weeks I haven't been able to work out more than three times. And I feel like crap.

10) Headhunters have been chasing me lately (the work kind). This has provoked only ambivalence in me.

11) Spending time alone is important to me; however, I am also prone to loneliness. This is a conundrum.

12) I have not played a videogame since I was 12 years old. This makes me a dinosaur in the modern era, I realize. But my hand-eye coordination truly sucks, and I hate embarrassing myself.

13) I photograph terribly, apparently. Or so men say.

14) I do not enjoy most realistic fiction. I honestly could care less about the personal dramas of real life characters when I have enough of my own. This reluctance does not apply to speculative fiction, crime fiction, fantasy, and science fiction. Why? It's not everyday life.

15) I sleep too much.

16) I love nothing more than to be out in a natural landscape, of any sort. But I do believe I am a city person at heart. So I try to incorporate both.

17) I laugh at the slightest provocation.

18) Being out at a bar or party with a group of good people and everyone talking at once is my idea of heaven. As a good friend says, "I want to be in the middle of everything, and laughing."

19) I will go to great extremes for my friends. I always hope for the same. It doesn't always happen, but it's great when it does.

20) With only a few exceptions, everyone important to me is now far away. That's sad, but the electronic medium lets us stay connected.

So, I'm going to keep trying to get back into LJ. I read you all daily. But I've had trouble finding my words lately. More changes in life seem imminent. Let's see how it goes!

Well, look at me posting, three days in a row! This could almost become addictive.

A good friend is off in Sydney, Australia until July or August, and he is continually posting pictures on Facebook showing off how lovely it is where he is living, detailing all the fantastic things that he is doing, and how lovely it is for him to jog to Manly Beach in the morning before work, then go swimming at a harborside open pool after work. Then, of course, he is texting me about how handsome all the men are, and how good the food is, and how fantastic the weather is.

Well, I've had about enough.

It is NOT nice to rub your exceedingly good fortune in the face of those of us condemned to a Northeastern winter, despite the alarming mildness of the weather in winter 2012 so far. The problem is, I can't think of an adequate revenge that I can commit from such a distance. However, I assure you, once I have thought of something I will implement it with swiftness and energy.

If the weather cooperates, that is. A few solid days of cold and grey and I could end up just fetal in a corner unable to do much more than burble drool.

There was a time in our lives when we used to take warm weather vacations in the winter. We would have a long weekend in Southern California somewhere (or, once, in Florida, though the horror of that state has prevented us from returning). Then we would have a week-long vacation towards April, just to tide us over until spring truly arrived, and would go somewhere like Costa Rica (inexpensive, but lovely). Now, the hubby's job is effectively preventing him from taking any vacation to speak of. Not that this is entirely awful for him. He does, as part of his job, get to go on business trips to countries all over the world (usually with at least some relaxation time). He just got drafted into a long weekend in Los Angeles shopping for new samples. It will be hard on him, of course, but I am sure the poolside time at the expensive hotel will help him survive, somehow.

This leaves me in this godforsaken hell-hole in winter (no, really, I like NYC, but this time of year it is DREARY). And, due to the costs of tooth replacement that I accrued in August and am still repaying, I have about enough money to spend on a trip that I could afford a day trip to Newark, NJ. There is a bright side, of course - there is always someone at home to shovel cat poop while hubby travels. No need to accrue pet sitter expenses!

You can tell it has been a long time since I've had a proper, travel vacation. In the last two years the only one was a week in Provincetown this summer, all of which I spent desperately ill with Lyme Disease and unable to go out in the sun due to the antibiotics. Or, drink. Yeah, that was a wild party week for me.

But, I have set up a super secret sneaky savings account (OK, the hubby knows of it, but he's the only one). This is one of those Orange accounts, on the web. I am slowly squirreling money into it as a "for emergencies only" fund that is hard to access but always there. One of these days the hubby is going to come home from work to find extra cases of cat food on the counter, and a simple note:

"Off on vacation, be back sometime soon. You'll recognize me as the guy who looks like your husband, but with a tan, when I return. Don't forget to clean the litter boxes daily!"

And off I'll be.

I mean, for Pete's sake, I still have leftover vacation unused from last year (unused because he could never go on vacation, not because I couldn't). If I don't use it by April, I lose it. This is NOT acceptable.

I don't love working that much. I just love a paycheck.

But, in the end, it'll likely just be a day trip to the Korean Spa (all of $38), a nice lunch and a day or two out of the office. Sometime this neverfuckingending recession will ease up a bit and I will have hope of travel once again. Before I'm 70, I hope.

Though, if I do have to wait till 70, I will make sure to do it in classic older-man gay style. With a banana-yellow thong only and a vicious tan at the poolside, with a big fruity drink and serious harassment of the waiters. I'll be just bitter enough for that by then if I have to wait that long!

Did I, er, mention I'm not a fan of winter? Yeah.

Happy Wednesday.

The gym is the one thing that has been keeping me rolling for a while now. While some days I feel a bit draggy about going, I always force myself to go and am relieved when I get there. Since I go at lunch at work there are inevitably days where something comes up and I can't go - but I never go less than four days a week, and some weeks I go as many as six times (the sixth with a trainer I have been working with up in the country, otherwise known as Psycho Trainer Boy). I can walk in the door of the gym with my head about to fly off my shoulders, and when I walk out I am amazingly calm.

When I am there, I feel a sense of progress, of acting in a purposeful manner and that I am doing something to take care of myself. It has little to nothing to do with others. This is something I do entirely for myself - perhaps the only thing in my life that fits that category. When I am there, I hit it hard - every time. I do not sweat easily in any circumstance, but I always push myself to the point where I am sweating. Every time I go I push one exercise up by some factor, whether it is by reps or by weight - just something to show forward motion. The increase may be small, but when I come home and chart the day and I can see that minimal progress over the prior week it makes me feel proud.

I work hard. While there have been changes, and significant ones, to my body, in general no one notices (aside from my friend, who shall be known as Professor Espana, who is my biggest booster in this process. He is fascinated with my tricep growth!). But again, this is done for me. I know the changes, I see the progress, and that is what counts.

It is perhaps one of the most self-absorbed things I have ever done. And I don't care.

After nearly two years of routine attendance and perseverance, I have been noticed by the muscle crew at the gym. It is odd. When I go to the gym I go and do my thing, and interact with no one. In the past I have had a couple guys I would briefly chat with, but they initiated that and neither are there anymore. But suddenly all the trainers started saying hi to me on a regular basis (not trying to get business, just acknowledgment). Some of the hardcore regulars nod and smile. But the thing that gave me a good perking up came the other day. There is one regular at the gym who is in the top 10 of the most beautiful men I have ever seen. He fits the model of "would look as good in a business suit as he would in a bathing suit." Very sculpted muscle but not a freak. Facially extremely handsome. I have always figured him for an actor, given that my gym is in that part of the city. But I have never had any interaction with him, nor sought any. I would simply notice he was there. I wasn't (and am not) even attracted to him - I just always notice his near perfect form, and think about how many years of dedication that must have taken.

Then, out of nowhere, he came up and talked to me the other day.

"Hey, buddy."

"What's up?"

"My name is George. I see you here all the time. I just wanted to say it is impressive how much you are here and how hard you are working. Not a lot of guys put that in. Just thought you should know that."

"Wow, thanks. I appreciate that."

"Yeah, if I can be of any help here anytime, let me know."

We both then resumed our workouts. But since then every time I see him at the gym he comes up and shakes my hand and says hello.

No, don't get your hopes up. This isn't a cruising thing, and he is straight as an arrow. He's just the sort to talk to people, usually the big built guys. But he sought me out to say hello. It sort of made me feel that someone had noticed what I have been up to. It felt good.

So, despite the chaos that has been going on in my life of late, I have had one strong rock to hold on to. I cannot imagine how I would have survived without the gym. If you had talked to me five years ago on this I would never have imagined such words would come out of my mouth. But it is now a life saver, one of the few things in life I can count on (despite today being quite painful as I did a pull-up wrong yesterday and strained my neck).

Somehow, the nerdy book reading boy with shyness issues has become a gym freak, at a late stage in life. Who could ever have imagined?

The winter looks set to be a quiet one for me. This fall has been so busy as I have been very consciously making greater efforts to be socially active here in the city, with some success. I've been going to movies and shows, and taking a night out for beers at least once every two weeks. I've been doing things like going hiking again, for the first time in years. But now one of my partners in crime is taking a sabbatical in Australia for the next seven months, and another is returning to Brazil permanently. This is going to leave me with a reduced crew of available people to be active with over the cold season. So ... the plan is this. I will travel to other cities to meet up with friends for long weekends, and I will focus on personal goals in my life that I have been working on. When the warm season returns I will attack it with new vigor!

Those of you who have linked to me on Facebook have seen me posting about something called Fitocracy. It is an exercise tracking program that assigns points based on your activities, allowing you to track your progress and (if you like) compete with others. I have been having fun getting competitive with a few other guys on there (including, foolishly, a 25 year old kick boxer, who I have a ... er ... history with). The upside? Those who know me and have seen me unclothed have noticed a marked amount of change in musculature. The downside? Keeping up with a 25 year old (or trying to) has left me sore as heck. I am on vacation the entire week from Christmas through New Years, and I am planning on taking it off from exercise entirely to give my body a chance to rest and recuperate. I might even have to work in a massage session, as a Christmas present to myself.

Christmas shopping was completed simply and easily, thanks to online shopping for the most part. The menu for the big days has been planned and the meat pre-ordered. Honestly, it ought to be easy to coast right through this holiday without a bump in the road. And the rest will be awesome. The hubby has to come back to the city for work, so for most of the week I will be up in the country by myself. I love that - I eat poorly, I watch too many movies that I don't get to watch with him about. I take myself out to lunch. I do have a craving for limited amounts of solitude, and I love being able to let that side of myself out for a bit. It's quite rare.

So, I have a break to look forward to and that is making me very happy.

Here's hoping you all get a bit of a rest over the next couple weeks, and enjoy whatever activities you get up to. And let's all have a better 2012 than the last few years have been for so many of us!

Sometimes, it is good to write out an entire post for LJ, sit back on it, then delete it with extreme prejudice. I've done that twice today. I'm feeling singularly uninspired, but also I feel the need to contribute here. I always read what everyone has to say, but find it hard to add my piece of late. My job has made it hard to focus enough to write something of substance, and I really only want to write something positive today.

That said, I'm struggling a bit. After a few weeks of sleep deprivation I gave in and took a pill to help me sleep last night, and it has left me groggy and depressed, which always happens. I think that insomnia is probably a better option!

One day I went on a long hike along the Welsh coast near Borth, on a grey and windy summer day. Along the way I came across an isolated house, an old but substantial farmhouse with no neighbors to be seen for probably a mile in any direction. It perched on a cliff overlooking a beach and the dark grey sea. I stood there a while, marveling at its loneliness, and thought to myself "Well, I couldn't live there full time, but what a fantastic retreat that would be." Today is one of those days where I think about that house. I would pay whatever I had to be magically transported there for a few days, with a well stocked larder, firewood, and a book or two.

Pressure at work, pressure at home, pressure from friends. I'm good at handling all of the preceding, but the combination of all at once can get burdensome. I've been fortunate to escape the worst of the disasters of the last few years that have hit so many people I know, but it still feels like the last three years have been such a slog through hard times. I'm ready for things to change a bit. I keep saying things like "Maybe 2011 will be a great year!" And then, things happen. I am still holding out hope for 2012, however.

Do me a favor - all of you stay healthy, employed, and alive for a year, mmmkay?

However, this morning, I was pleased to be standing next to one of the handsomest bears I have seen in a long time on the subway. The kind of man who perks you up to see, while also arousing jealousy that he just has that ... quality that you only wish you had. While simply dressed, everything was perfect, his hair was perfect, his beard perfect - and his softball sized calves stretching the denim of his pants were PERFECT. I didn't want to have sex with him so much as I just wanted to watch him, unobserved, for a while and just be pleased to be around such a fine specimen.

I hunger for beauty. It's what keeps even the ugly days from being too bad.

Dear Universe: Send more handsome bears.

Happy Thursday (one day to go!)

I seem to have lost the skill of moderation.

Of late I have been pushing myself harder and harder to make the most out of things. I think this is a continued reaction to the long decline and then death of my father, and my mother's current disability. Even as a child I did not want to emulate their passive, physically inactive lifestyle. But as an adult, I went through a long phase of enacting it in my own life. A few years ago I started fighting back, as the end of the line for my father became clearer. I started hitting the gym, hard, and started looking for more and more activities to engage in to fill down time and to try and maximize life.

This has accelerated even more in the last few months. I feel like I am pushing myself as though I had my foot pressed on the gas pedal. I enjoy that feeling, and I want to do it even more. Unfortunately, I do run up against limitations in various areas. The last month has been especially intense, and I think I am now suffering from a case of exhaustion. Body and mind seem to be begging me to slow down a bit, but it is almost like I don't know how. If I try and settle in and do nothing I start going crazy. I've lost my ability to sit down and read a book for hours on end, something which was always one of my key activities. If I don't make it to the gym and hit it hard on a given day, or do some other hard exercise, I feel sluggish and moody and irritable.

I want a constant stream of activity and mental stimulation. I want sex in large amounts. I just constantly want ... more.

But today I have hit the wall. The last few weeks have seen me getting far less sleep than normal, for a variety of reasons. I had an injury while hiking this weekend. I am a bit ganged up on by social pressures where I am finding myself multiple booked on a given weeknight. I have a web conference this afternoon that will prevent me from going to the gym, and I am already anxious about that.

I have to find a way to step back from this, but it is hard. The mental inclination is too strong, and it is based on fear. I feel as though I now see how few years are left to me to enjoy this level of activity, and that I have wasted too many years where I could have enjoyed it. I am terrified of the idea of being old and forceably inactive and sitting there berating myself for having let life pass me by. And I know that I would, if I didn't maximize things now, while I can. Too much time has been lost.

Much of my thirties was spent in a sedentary existence where hubby and I increasingly cocooned ourselves out of the world into a private realm. We became far too inward focused. It was unhealthy. And I regret that now. Unfortunately, I can't yet shake him out of this state of mind, and it is causing some strain.

So yes, I need to find the balance again, but I can't return to the way things were. I am far too fond of the person I have returned to being to go back to a situation where I looked at myself in the mirror and was unhappy with the person looking back.

But where is that balance?

For the moment, I am trying just some rest. Apart from Saturday brutality with Psycho Trainer Boy, the rest of the weekend I will do as little as possible. It will drive me insane, no doubt. But a day and a half with the foot off the gas should be achievable. I've turned down invitations to events.

I have to ask myself, why, in my whole life, have I always been given to extremities? It drove my ex to the edge of despair. I have to avoid that now. But I can't live at the speed of a tortoise anymore. Life is fleeting by.

I'm going overboard on Thanksgiving prep, and I hadn't put my finger on why until someone pointed it out to me with clarity today.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my father passing away last year. Just a couple days before Thanksgiving last year.

I am not grief stricken. That's not what this is about.

It's more complicated.

My mind is stuck going back to my childhood, where our holidays all took place at my grandmother's house. A huge, loud, brawling Italian family of dozens and dozens crowding onto set-up tables in every room of the house, with multiple generations and friends and so forth. It was impossible to feel alone on those days. The Italian women in the basement cranking out food for the dozens, endless cousins and aunts and uncles, and all the drama you can imagine.

It's all gone.

All of it.

I am far too young for a family so old. I was by far the youngest of everyone except one cousin, and she was the youngest daughter of the youngest uncle. I am 45, yes, but most of you have parents younger than my eldest sister. All that has happened has left me far too aware for my age of the end of all things. I feel prematurely old in what I have seen and known.

This Thanksgiving is hard. I am swamped with memories. And I feel very, very alone as a result of them. I have family still, but all are so far away and we will never assemble for a holiday again. This holiday will just be me and the hubby and two friends. For someone raised as I was, this is ... pathetically small. I don't know how to adjust to it.

It was easier last year, even though my father had just passed a couple days before. The hubby and I went to a restaurant for Thanksgiving, as I had never done before in my life. This year, as I pick up the holiday mantle, I am so aware of how much is gone.

It'll be a good holiday. I am a good actor. No one will know what is going on inside me. But the entire time I will be feeling this emptiness.

I hate feeling so old before my time.

The gripes of today:

1) If I have to spend even one more minute with white men in business suits I think I shall scream.

2) After over an hour on the phone, if I have to spend any more time today trying to sort out the mess that my mother's Medicare and supplemental insurance has become, I shall begin randomly stabbing people, resulting in "suicide by cop."

3) If the ex fuckbuddy who suddenly turned to treating me like crap every time I ran into him in public, who is now desperately trying to ingratiate himself to me because he wants to get with a friend of mine, doesn't fuck off and die immediately I shall send him to that place.

4) If I don't have sex at some point within the next week someone is going to pay a blistering price.

5) If I can't do something about these goddamn remnant lovehandles soon I'm going at 'em with a vacuum cleaner attachment and some rubbing alcohol.


The good things today:

1) After two years of studiously ignoring everything I have done to lose weight and get in better shape, the hubby suddenly reached out, grabbed my upper arm and said "Wow, you have some muscles now." Small steps, but appreciated.

2) It is Wednesday. Vacation starts on Friday night. Praise Beelzebub.

3) Tomorrow, I go out for drinks with interesting people. This gives me short term hope.

4) A friend who has been a relentless pit of need has suddenly realized that our relationship had turned entirely one-way and is now seeking to pay attention to my life a bit. This is good, as I am no longer considering walking away from the whole thing. There are limits after all.

5) OK, this is a reach, but later today I am going to let myself indulge in a carb-y goodness. I haven't decided what it shall be yet, but I shall relish it. Maybe oink while I eat it.


Yes, I am a Crabby McCrabberson today. Some days I just can't help it. Today I feel more than a bit overwhelmed and scared and it is bubbling up into the light. So much is out of my control but can still have a huge impact on my life. It is easy to say glib things like "worry solves nothing," but while that may be true it is also substantively a load of happy horseshit. Worry is the logical human response to impending doom - otherwise you have been drinking the Kool-Aid in Jonestown. It's just hard to try and limit the impact of the worry.

Today's worry alert level is: PANIC.